How to... Explain Death to Children
Recently, SFY was asked by several officers for advice on telling children and youth about death. The officers in this particular area deal with death routinely and were shaken up by the trauma of breaking the news to children and teens that their siblings, cousins, friends, and parents were dead.
What’s the best way to do it, they asked an SFY psychologist? Should you be direct about it? Should you use euphemisms? The officers were asking for the “words to say it” and say it in a way that was developmentally appropriate.
SFY spoke with psychologists, psychiatrists and police trainers from around the country and developed the following chart that should help officers consider what to say and how to say it depending on the age of the youth. SFY invites you to print out this chart and to send us suggestions for any approaches you have used that are also effective.
Age-Appropriate Ways to Explain Death to Children
| |
Psychological Issues/Development Considerations |
Perception of Death |
Example of Words to Use |
| Toddler |
Importance of parent-child bonding
Need to be as close physically as feasible
Opportunity to express independence
Need for consistency in daily routine
Reassurance of future expectations |
Fear of separations
Don’t understand death is permanent |
Allow toddler to see how family grieves.
“Tim will not be seeing you anymore. He is dead and it’s ok to feel lots of different things. It’s ok to talk about what you are feeling, too.” |
| Preschool |
Need to prepare for separation
Offer appropriate support and clarification
Continuation of normal patterns for daily living
Contact with security object
Allow child to play
Give as many choices as practical but again not outside of what would have happened prior to death.Take cues from child |
Often sees death as violent
Don’t always see death as permanent
Death is a punishment for being bad
Death is confused with separation and sleep
Believe their thoughts/actions can cause someone to die |
“Sara won’t be coming back.”
Talk openly, honestly, and clearly
Use words such as “dead” and “died”
Explain death without using figurative expressions, such as “he has gone to heaven”[Be sensitive to whether this is a faith-based family.] |
| School-Age |
Needs honest explanation
Fear of loss of control
More detailed explanation but at a pace the child sets- provide clear, simple, direct answers to questions
Just because they are not asking doesn’t mean that they aren’t thinking but also is not sign that they need to be told
If a parent/caregiver doesn’t know the answer it is OK to say
I don’t know but will find out
Need for parent involvement
Still need to maintain same schedule and rules; stress importance of keeping as much normalcy as possible |
Begin to understand the finality of death
Death becomes more real, final, universal, and inevitable
Differentiation of living and non-living
Death is frightening and painful
Begin to understand and feel that others are sad and that there is a gradient to who is sad |
“Jack is dead.”
“John’s body stopped working.”
Its ok to have lots of different feelings and to want to ask questions. Its also ok if you don’t want to talk about it. |
| Adolescence |
Begins to deal with issues of illness/injury
Relies less on family support
Illness/injury may impair ability to plan future
Need for privacy
Detailed explanation
Need for peers
Participation in decision-making |
Able to acknowledge fragility of life
Death my be viewed as philosophical problem in life
Understand death as final and unavoidable |
“Jessica died.”
“Do you have any questions about how/why she died?”
Important to be truthful
Give teen opportunity to ask questions
Do not treat teen like a child |
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